Post with 15 notes
Sometimes I get really sad that I’ll never be able to discover a new land and having that feeling of euphoria and wonder at having uncharted territory to explore. But then I think if it’s uncharted territory they probably won’t have pizza delivery so no thank you.
Post with 81 notes
There is no situation in life that cannot be resolved through a Pokemon battle.
Post with 61 notes
I had the most crazy dream last night okay, are you ready to hear it? Buckle in it’s a crazy one. My entire dream was me cleaning a very dirty oven. That’s it. The ambitions of my subconscious are just frightening.
Post with 81 notes
This planet can be so delicate and intricate but rain is not one of those things. It’s like earth thought ‘hmm things need water to grow and survive, how shall I deliver it? I KNOW I’LL DUMP IT ON TOP OF THEM FROM A HEIGHT.’
Post with 79 notes
When I do exercise my heart rate increases and when I see someone with a luscious booty my heart rate increases and when I’m nervous my heart rate increases and when I eat pizza my heart rate increases. The only logical explanation is that all activities can be replaced with pizza.
Post with 52 notes
Sleeping naked is great until you wake up and there’s a sizable spider by your bed and it slowly dawns on you that’s there’s a very real chance of spider on skin action.
Post with 81 notes
Hair is so weird, it’s on you but it’s not really part of you, and it just sort of grows out of you without telling you or really giving you a choice, it’s like everyone is a slave to the whims of their hair
Post with 52 notes
No you can’t sit next to me, it’s bad enough I have to put up with my own shadow let alone an actual person.
Post with 60 notes
You can’t call a house a home unless it has a trap door operated by a button underneath your desk that leads to the centre of the earth which you use to dispose of your enemies.
Post with 77 notes
When I was a wee boy my mum used to tell me that the ‘witching hour’ which is from 12-1 am is when the monsters and demons and evil things come out and look for the children that still aren’t sleeping and take them away, I was absolutely terrified of that hour and even now I still feel a bit weird between midnight and 1am, thanks mummy love you.
Post with 52 notes
I don’t know how people can have fun at the beach, I’m too busy feeling uncomfortable at the sand in my feet between my toes in my shoes on my clothes in my hair just sand everywhere IT’S SO SANDY. How do these people function I don’t understand. Having fun DESPITE the sand everywhere? That’s just nonsense.
Post with 52 notes
It’s so funny how we hang pieces of metal off certain parts of our body it’s such a primitive caveman thing to do.Ooh shiny shiny, me like shiny shiny, me keep shiny shiny.
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